What is Bullying?
Bullying can be defined
as:
Aggressive behaviour
conducted by an individual or group against others. It can be
verbal, psychological, physical or sexual in nature, is usually
deliberate, and may often be repeated. Some examples are listed
below.
Examples of Physical bullying.
- Hitting or beating
- pushing
- pinching
- tripping
- choking
- kicking
- shoving
- spitting
- damaging property or
possessions
- stealing
- locking in or out of
a space
- throwing objects at
- physical acts that
are humiliating such as “wedgies” or pulling up of skirts
- threatening with a
weapon
- inflicting bodily
harm
Examples of Verbal Bullying.
- Name-calling
- jeering
- teasing
- taunting
- slagging
- threatening
- daring others to do things they know
to be dangerous or wrong
Examples of Psychological
bullying.
- Excluding
- isolating
- demeaning
- ridiculing
- Spreading nasty
rumours/gossip
- passing notes
- using peer pressure
to intimidate
- threatening gestures
or looks
Sexual Bullying
- Unwelcome sexual comments
- unwanted physical contact
- spreading rumours about a person's
sexual orientation
Racist Bullying
- discrimination
- prejudice
- comments about colour
- comments about nationality
- comments about ethnic
- comments about traveller background
Relational Bullying
- Ignoring
- huddling together to
exclude others
- spreading rumours
- publicly
humiliating
- social rejection, threatening
social rejection from the group
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Spot the Warning signs
of bullying
Below is a list of
possible warning signs, some of which may be caused by other problems.
Sudden unexplained changes in your child's behaviour are important
signs of distress and should be checked out.
Physical Signs-
-
Unexplained
bruising,cuts, scratches, sprains or torn clothing
-
loss or damage to
personal belongings
-
hunger/thirst due to
loss of lunch money
-
frequent minor
illnesses, headaches, stomach aches.
-
not eating or being
obsessive about appearance
-
obsession about
cleanliness
-
stammering
-
asking for extra money
or stealing(to pay off a bully)
-
bedwetting
Emotional and
Psychological signs-
-
Avoiding friends
and/or other children
-
uncharacteristic
bullying of siblings
-
refusal to discuss
what is wrong
-
change of sleep/eating
pattern
-
becoming withdrawn or
moody
-
dropping usual
hobbies/interests
-
loss of confidence
-
excessive tearfulness
or crying themselves to sleep
-
nightmares
-
excessive sensitivity
to criticism
-
seeking to be alone
-
uncharacteristic
outbursts of anger
-
implied or overt
threats of suicide
Signs related to school
-
returning from school
in a very bad mood and refusing to say why
-
unwillingness to go to
school or avoiding particular days or lessons
-
fear of walking to or
from school or begging to be taken
-
changing school route
-
staying close to
teachers
-
punctuality problems
-
deterioration in
school work
-
a reduction in the
number of friends calling, phone calls or invitations to social
events
-
being excluded from
groups or a reluctance to take part in previously enjoyed
activities
-
not being chosen for
sports teams
-
abusive phone calls
Parents should also
note that many bullied children do NOT show signs of being bullied,
and may have decided for a variety of reasons to deliberately
hide the fact from parents, teachers and others. Parents who communicate
with their children on a daily basis, about their experience in
school, are more likely to notice any slight changes in attitude,
or mood.
Effects
of bullying on a victim
Being victimised by
bullying has been shown to have long-term and wide-ranging effects on
young people. These may include:
-
anger
-
fear
-
anxiety
-
powerlessness
-
loneliness
-
depression
-
low achievement
-
loss of confidence
-
suicide/self harm
Important stress points-
Students are particularly
vulnerable during the transition from primary to secondary school,
or if they have been moved from one class to another. They will
be even more at risk if they have changed schools.
However it is important
to note that persistent bullying continues to be a problem right
up to the end of Leaving Cert, so there is a need for parents
to maintain an active and concerned interest in young people's
progress right to the end of their involvement with school.
Is
my child being bullied?
The following checklist
refers to the general characteristics of bullying behaviour and can be
referred to if you suspect your child is a victim of bullying. Use
this checklist along with the warning signs to establish if bullying
is taking place.
-
Is verbal, psychological
or physical aggression being used?
-
Is the person feeling
upset?
-
Do they feel helpless
in the face of what is happening to them?
-
Is there an imbalance
of power, eg. does the person feel powerless in the situation
through a wide discrepancy in age, size, strength or
ability to articulate?
-
Is the behaviour being
repeated deliberately?
-
Is the behaviour happening
in the same place, at the same time, or being carried out
by the same person or group?
-
Is the aggression
unprovoked? (Very often young people who are bullied say that
they were picked on without reason, and that they did nothing
to provoke it. However, some young people may provoke the
bullying through their own behaviour)
-
Is the situation too
much for them to handle alone?
Prevention
Some children are
more prone to bullying then others. This may be because of factors
beyond their control i.e. below or above average height, wearing
glasses, prominent teeth or anything that makes them appear different.
There is a great deal a parent can do to lessen the possibility
of your child being a victim.
Build confidence-
Confident young people are more likely to stand up for themselves
if they are bullied. Confidence grows when given praise. It is
important to be patient and praise your child frequently.
Promote a positive
self image- Self
image and physical appearance are very important in adolescence.
Your child should be taught good table manners, personal hygiene
and should have basic information such as the facts of life.
Adolescents in general
don't want to appear different from the group and generally want
to have the 'In Look' which is popular at the time. Although brand
name shoes and clothing can be very expensive and you may come
under unreasonable pressure to buy these, it may still be possible
to allow your child a choice within the budget you can afford.
Teach your child
to be friendly and sociable-
A person's sociability, and style of communication send out strong
signals to other people. Children who are popular with their peers
tend to be confident, independent and are able to take responsibility
for themselves and others. They are cheerful, sensitive to others
and can organize and participate in a range of games and activities.
They have the ability to manage their interactions with peers
without aggression and can resolve conflicts verbally and rationally,
offering suitable alternative solutions for a better outcome.(Basag,
V.E, 1995)
Children learn friendship
skills through imitation and observation, but some may need direct
instruction and practice
Some other useful tips
to give your child-
Children should know that
it is good to have friends in more than one area of their lives, for
instance in their neighbourhood, and in hobby or sports groups, so
that if things go wrong they will have something to fall back
on.
Tell your teenager that
looking happy, smiling, joining in to what is happening at the
moment will encourage others to accept them into the group.
Using humour is a great
way to prevent a bullying situation. It is difficult to bully a person
who refuses to take it seriously. Humour is especially useful for
dealing with verbal bullying.
Teach your child self
esteem, to walk tall and straight in a confident manner as opposed
to looking scared and uncertain.
You should encourage your
child to protect their own personal space by sitting at the same desk
every day to avoid confrontations and standing with the same group of
friendly students when lining up for classes.
If your child is challenged
physically by someone standing in front of them, they can protect
their personal space by placing their schoolbag in front of them,
or standing sideways while maintaining eye-contact and making
an assertive "I" statement. For example, "I need
some room here" or "I can't breathe, could you stand
back a bit please?"
Young people should be
encouraged to speak clearly. Discourage mumbling or speaking so
quietly that they are constantly being asked to repeat themselves.
Habits such as interrupting all the time, being noisy or shrill,
showing off, being a know-all, and not listening to others should also
be discouraged.
Help your child practice
looking in the mirror and saying "no" or "leave
me alone" in a clear voice looking into their own eyes as
they say it. Use role play to act out threatening situations and
practice responding calmly and firmly.
What
to do if your child is being bullied
If you suspect bullying
there are three steps you should take
-
Establish that
bullying is taking place
-
Provide support at
home
-
Get help from the
school
1) Establish that bullying
is taking place -
Encourage your child
to tell a teacher in school what is happening. However, if your
child feels unable to tell a teacher for fear of the situation
getting worse, your child clearly needs your help.
Talk to your child about
school life. Ask what they did at school that day, or week, how they
felt about it; who they spent their break-time with, how they are
getting on with others or their friends, who they have fallen out with
and why? If you notice signs of upset or bullying, encourage your
child to talk about their worries. Remember you must always act even
if your child wants you to do nothing.
2) Providing support at
home-
The first
response of parents should be to provide reassurance. The messages
your child needs to hear are:
-
Bullying can happen to
anyone
-
It is not your fault
-
There is nothing wrong
with you
-
You do not have to
face this on our own
-
The bullying should
not have happened and nobody should be expected to put up with it
If you do discover that
your child is being bullied it is important that you try to stay calm
and avoid over-reacting. Your child needs to feel that you are
confident about providing help and support. This is a time to show
unconditional love and acceptance.
It can sometimes
be the case also that parents "under react" when their
child tells them they are being bullied. They may not recognise
the significance of the incident for the victim, or the extent
to which they have been distressed. Parents MUST take bullying
seriously, and take steps to support and protect their child at
the earliest possible opportunity.
Your child's safety
should always be your first concern. The school needs to be contacted
before your child returns.Never encourage your child to retaliate.
You may need to report the incident to the gardai, especially
if an attack occurred outside the school grounds, otherwise the
principal may report it as a matter of policy.
Telling is the key
to stopping bullying, however, often children are reluctant to
tell because they are either too afraid, ashamed or embarrassed.
By
expressing your concern, showing your willingness to help, and
by being patient and supportive you will be more likely to get
them to confide in you.
The
key question for parents to ask themselves is, can I deal with
the problem myself? Sometimes parents can deal with the bullying
problems without enlisting support from the school, however this
is usually more the exception than the rule!
If you decide to deal with the
problem at home, safety and assertiveness are two areas where parents
can offer useful advice.
Safety
Whether the school
is involved or not, your chief concern will be the child’s safety
on the way to and from the school, and within the school itself.
Encourage
your child to
-
Stay
with friends, or close to other students. There is safety in
numbers.
-
Ask
an older student to keep a quiet eye on them
-
Avoid
places where bullying is known to happen, e.g. isolated areas.
-
Stay
in sight
of teachers and adults where possible.
-
Think
about varying the times of arrival or departure from school.
-
Change
route to school.
-
Leave
valuable items at home, i.e. expensive clothes,
large sums of money, jewellery etc.
-
Advise
that it may often be safer to hand over possessions instead of
fighting for them.
-
Shout
out for help if under attack, break free if possible, and run away.
Go to the nearest adult for help. Sometimes shouting out
“NO!”, and getting away may be enough to prevent an attack.
-
Avoid
fighting
back, if it looks like they are likely to be hurt
-
Protect
vulnerable parts of the body from injury if attacked, for instance
by rolling into a ball on the ground to protect the face and head.
Assertiveness
Assertive means standing
up for yourself without being aggressive or apologetic.
As a parent you should
be realistic about what a young person is capable of doing for
himself or herself in a bullying situation. Try to develop their
confidence by selecting a technique that is manageable and suitable
to their capabilities. Emphasize also, that if these techniques
do not work for them, they must seek additional help from a parent
or teacher.
A number
of techniques can be used either alone or together, which can help a
young person deal with a bullying encounter.
The following strategy can be used in situations
where bullying persists. However this is not a strategy to be used in
case of a physical attack
STEP 1.
Speak to the person who is bullying. Enlist the help of a
supportive friend if possible.
,
STEP 2.
Say what you don’t like about the person’s behavior. Stick to the facts, and be calm.
STEP
3.
State how it makes you
feel.
STEP
4.
Say that you want it to stop.
STEP
5.
Say what action you are going to take if the behavior does not change
Fogging-
Fogging
is making a neutral comment to the other person, which conveys the
message that you are not bothered by what they have said to you.
For example if the bully called out a name or made a
very nasty personal comment, a fogging response like…”So!”…
Or…”So What!”…. Or …”Whatever!”…Or…”Do
I Care?”…. Might
be effective. The
victim should then completely ignore the person who made the comment,
and continue with what they were doing.
Showing that you
have a sense of humour is a sign that you can take things in your
stride. If someone makes a joke at your expense, try laughing
it off as a first response. The bully might give up if you don’t
show the desired reaction. However if you are persistently being
called names, you will need to use some of the other assertive
methods and get help from a teacher before it gets out of control.
Remember,
don’t believe what bullies say. They mean to hurt and annoy you
Power
Phrase-
This is a positive
statement you make to yourself about yourself. A Power Phrase
makes you feel confident by drawing on your own inner strength.
Its purpose is to help keep calm and maintain confidence. First
take a few slow deep breaths to help you calm. This works! As
you breathe out say your Power Phrase quietly to yourself.
Here
are some examples, which could be used, in a bullying situation, but
you can make up your own. It is best to pick one, stick to it, and
practice it at home.
Remember,
your power phrase will help you feel good about yourself when you come
under pressure. This is the feeling the bully wants to destroy
3.
Getting
help from school-
Encourage
your child to approach a trusted teacher.
Because of the imbalance of power that exists between bully and
victim, it is important to be aware that adult intervention is almost
always required to stop bullying, and that schools are ideally placed
to provide support
Check
if the school has an anti-bullying policy-
If there
is an anti-bullying policy in operation in your school, you should
make yourself familiar with how it operates. The
policy will explain how the school deals with incidents of bullying,
and what procedures are in place for investigating it.
If your child is reluctant for you to contact the school and is
afraid that this will make the bullying worse, ask how the school can
deal with the issue sensitively
Reluctant
to approach the school?
Parents are sometimes
reluctant to contact schools about bullying. They may be concerned
about how the school will handle the problem. Will it make the
situation worse? How can confidentiality be ensured? Will they
be seen as troublemakers, or cranks? Will teachers take it as
an insult to their control in the classroom, or their professionalism?
Sometimes parents feel helpless and alone, especially if the problem
is being minimised by the school or if they sense an attitude
from principals or teachers that bullying is not happening in
the school.
Make
an appointment, and prepare for it.
Telephone
the school, and ask to speak to the principal. In most cases, an
appointment should be made available to you within a day. Prepare for the meeting by having
a list of questions, and detailed, accurate, information written down.
Focus on:
-
Who?
- Names of children involved, or of witnesses.
-
When?
- Dates and times of incidents.
-
Where? - Are incidents taking
place in certain locations, e.g. corridors, school bus, particular
classes?
-
What? – Examples of the
bullying behaviour, such as name-calling, damage to property,
details of injuries, exclusion, or any other abusive behaviour.
-
Why? - Are there known reasons
why it is taking place? Are you aware of any factor, which has
triggered off the bullying, for instance if a child is new to the
school, or if there has been a racial attack?
You can ask to talk to the class
tutor, who will know the pupils involved, and will be very well placed
to suggest a solution. However, you may decide that the principal
should be involved from the start.
What can you expect
from the school?
Most incidents can
be dealt with in meetings between a teacher (principal, tutor,
year-head, or another designated person) and the students involved.
Warnings are very often enough to end the bullying, if followed
up by frequent monitoring.
If the bullying persists, or is
serious enough to warrant it, parents of bullies can be asked to meet
with school management. The school may be able to adopt the role of
mediator between the families, if this is deemed appropriate.
At the appointment you can ask:
-
To have your child’s complaint investigated.
-
If it has been investigated,
what action will be taken to protect your child? There is
always a danger of retaliation.
-
Explain
the effect the bullying is having on the young person and ask what
support the school can offer. For example, counseling, or supervised
mediation between students.
-
You
can ask that the incident be treated in a confidential way, especially
if you suspect that the bullying might get worse if others know your
child has told about it.
-
Ask how the situation will be monitored in the weeks or days
afterwards. Inquire about the arrangements for supervision in the
school.
-
Ask the teachers to put your child sitting near a supportive
student.
-
Seek information about what will happen next. For example, do
other parents need to be informed? Should meetings be arranged with
them?
-
Ask to be kept informed about progress. Fix a date for this.
Establish who your contact person will be, and when they can be
contacted.
Research on bullying behaviour in children
Research in the HSE
Dublin North East area shows that 14.7% of young people in secondary
school admit to bullying others. It has also been shown from research
that bullying requires adult intervention to stop it happening.
Long-range
studies in Scandinavia show that “approximately 60% of boys who were
characterised as bullies in grades 6-9 had at least one conviction by
the age of 24. Even more dramatically, as much as 30-40 % of former
bullies had three or more convictions by this age…Thus as young
adults, former school bullies had a fourfold increase in the level of
relatively serious, recidivist criminality, as documented in official
crime records.”(Olweus, 1993)
A conclusion to be drawn
from this research is that there is a one in seven chance of your
child being involved in bullying behaviour. If you suspect your child
is one of this group, you need to take action.
Bullying is a learned
behaviour and children can be taught to behave more appropriately.
Bystanders
who witness bullying and remain silent through fear or even by
collusion are affected. They may suffer anxiety that they may be next
or guilt that they did nothing to stop the bullying. It is crucially
important for parents to encourage children to tell if they witness
bullying in order to change the culture of silence.
Why
do people bully?
Young
people who bully do so for a variety of reasons. They may get pleasure
and a sense of power from bullying .They are not usually lacking in
self esteem but may have aggressive tendencies and lack empathy. This
can be caused by lack of good role models or be a personality trait
that needs fostering in a positive direction.
Some
reasons young people use bullying behaviour may include
-
Life events such as bereavement,
a parent leaving home, a new partner or baby in the family, or
moving house.
-
Stresses on the family such as
health or financial problems.
-
Conflict with other families in
the neighbourhood.
-
They may have been bullied
themselves by family members.
-
They may be
witnessing violence and
may be imitating this behaviour,
believing it is acceptable
-
They may believe that bullying
will gain them popularity.
-
Being too strict or too lenient
with adolescents, or ignoring them, may also be factors.
-
Lack of supervision can lead to
bullying going undetected.
Students who bully
are not always aware of how their bullying behaviour makes others
feel.
Steps
for Parents of young people engaged in bullying behaviour.
-
Establish
that bullying is taking place.
-
Provide
help at home.
- Co-operate
with the school
1)
Establishing that bullying is taking place
Check
the following lists for signs that your young person may be using
bullying behaviour.
Physical
Signs-
-
Aggressiveness towards other
children, parents and teachers.
-
Evidence that they have been
involved in a fight or picking on weaker students.
-
Deliberately robust behavior such
as extremely hard tackling in sports, tripping people, or causing
injuries.
-
Being involved in vandalism,
anti-social behaviour, or being in trouble with the police.
-
Belonging to an aggressive gang.
Spending little time at home.
-
Having money or possessions that
they can’t account for.
Emotional
and Psychological Signs
-
Short temper. Violent outbursts.
-
Over-reacting to criticism and a
tendency to believe others are hostile towards them
-
Enjoying the suffering of others
and needs to dominate.
-
Disrespectful attitude to others
including the elderly.
-
Unwilling to include or share
with others.
-
Cruelty to animals.
-
Lack of genuine friendships.
Friendships are based on fear.
Signs
relating to School
-
Being involved in disruptive
behaviour at school.
-
Being placed on detention, or
suspended for fighting.
-
Complaints or change in attitude
from teachers and other
parents.
-
Requests from other pupils to be
moved away from your child in class.
2)
Helping at home
-
Establish
a basic code of conduct by setting rules at home.
-
Challenge
any aggressive behaviour and insist that it is unacceptable.
-
Explain
clearly how bullying behaviour such as taunting, teasing or
threatening can upset others.
-
Spend
time with your child.
-
Talk
to them about what is acceptable behaviour and how to respect
others e.g. asking instead of taking things, turn- taking in
activities and in conversation.
-
Be
aware of where your child is at all times, who they are with and
what activities they are engaged in.
-
Monitor
their behaviour and their friendships closely.
What
to do about an accusation
Many parents are unaware of the signs of bullying
and the first signal they receive may be in the form of a telephone
call from the school requesting a meeting. Your first reaction may be
one of shock, disbelief, disappointment or anger. It is very important
to remain calm and control your feelings. Remember that your child
also may be feeling fearful and defensive. You should deal with
him/her in a sensitive caring manner. You may find the following
approach useful:
"I had a phone call from Mr. Jones.
Something to do with you and Tony. Do you want to fill me in before I
go to meet him?"
-
Emphasis the importance of being
truthful. It will make the problem easier to solve
-
If bullying has
occurred, encourage your child to accept responsibility for
the behaviour and make them aware of the consequences. Explain
that the school must apply sanctions because it has a responsibility
to keep students safe.
-
Explain how bullying has serious
implications for his progress in school and in life.
An honest commitment to change will help restore his standing with others.
-
Show that you care and that it is
the behaviour you condemn and not the young person.
-
Explain that the safety of others
should never be at risk because of their behaviour
-
Discuss ways of making amends,
e.g. stopping the bullying, an apology, returning goods, etc.
-
Let them know that you expect
change and that you will support their efforts to change.
-
Monitor your child's future
behaviour closely.
-
Praise your child for honesty and
for any efforts to improve.
3)
Cooperating with the school
Minor bullying incidents are usually dealt with
immediately by teachers or tutors. However the Principal or Deputy
Principal may wish to make an appointment with the parents/ guardians
of a person bullying to discuss more serious incidents. Although you
may be upset at having to go to the school to discuss a bullying
incident, it is best to remain calm and adopt a problem-solving
approach. The focus should be on working together with the school to
find a solution
Refrain
from making negative remarks about the school or the teachers in the
presence of your child. Prepare for the meeting by having details
about the incident from your child.
Check
if your child's school has an anti- bullying policy. It will explain
the procedures and how incidents are dealt with.
References and
Useful Reading Materials for Parents
Websites
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